changing to love

Change.
It's the only thing that doesn't change in life. How ironic.

The past 9 months of my life have been splattered with change. And no, I'm not, nor have I ever been pregnant. In May of 2013, I quit my 3 year teaching job to "pursue an acting career." I planned to move to Austin, Texas sometime after February of 2014 if I didn't get any good job offers through a big audition I planned to attend. I worked random jobs throughout the summer and eventually started working at a Chinese restaurant so I could "save up money to move." It is now January 2014, and my plans have changed. Maybe it's because my plans never lined up with God's plans. Maybe I wasn't diligent or motivated enough to really follow through with the dreams in my mind. Regardless, I've done nothing I intended on doing.The audition fell through, I'm financially broke, and I've traded moving to another city for a godly man. That's right, I started dating someone in late September 2014. What is going on?!

As I think over these past 9 months, as I review my plans, remember my attitudes, and ponder my motivations, I am reminded that God knew all along what was going to happen. He still knows, and probably laughs, at what I think will happen versus His sovereign path for my life.
I've come to recognize a few things: I am more selfish and self-righteous than I want to admit, God's plans and perspective on my life look different than mine, and when I lean on God moment-by-moment, my days are so much more peaceful!

After being painfully betrayed early last summer, I was finally able to let go of a certain someone. God really opened me up to love again...even if I was unaware at first. I was living my carefree little life, sometimes dreaming in la-la land about my future adventures, excited about what the future would hold for my single, independent self, when it happened- Justin Preston entered my life...again.
This was a man who was a friend, then a foe, then a friend again. Things changed when he uttered the words, "I think we should pray for each other." And he prayed for me. He prayed with a genuine heart. He prayed with a humbleness that I admired. His love for the Lord outweighed any negative feelings or thoughts I previously had about him.
After a month or so of our new-found friendship, we prayed about dating, and he asked me to be his girlfriend. I said yes. The next day I had an emotional breakdown. Was I ready for this? Was I sure he was the one? Did I really want to be in a relationship? What about moving? What about my acting career? What about his daughter? What about his past?
But God has been working on my heart, and I can honestly say now that I love Justin Preston like I've never loved another. I'm learning what it looks like to forgive the way Jesus does. What it looks like to live out what I believe- to truly love someone beyond yourself, beyond your human capacity. I never thought I could date someone who had a child. I'm a virgin for goodness sake! But God is teaching me to let go of my expectations. Let go of what I think I deserve. Let go of my self-righteousness. Let go of my judgmental attitude. Let go of my fear. Let go of my worry. He is teaching me to simply forgive and love. He is the only way I can love. "We love because He first loved us." (1 John 4:19)

God is changing my heart. He is changing the way I think.

After I decided to risk love- to risk being hurt again, being selfless, letting my guard down- I fell in love. I didn't try to calculate it. I surrendered my relationship to God and let Him take the reins. It's hard work to love someone. That's kind of a dichotomy. You "fall" in love and yet, it's a lot of work to actively love someone. But the work doesn't feel like work a lot because you're "in love." Am I making sense? I think I've gone off on a rabbit trail in this post because, let's face it, I'm thinking about my sweet love Justin now (And his daughter is amazing. I love her too, by the way!).

All this to say- God is good. He knew I was lonely and in need of a family like Justin's. He knows exactly what I need...so much more than I could ever know! He is so much bigger than I allow Him to be. He has me in Greenville for a reason. He has provided a new job for me this year, and while I'm currently in a financial desert, He has and will provide for me. I'm doing theatre with a purpose now. I'm choosing to love, choosing joy, choosing contentment over frustration and anxiety. God is giving me peace.

And these changes are the greatest! All praise to my heavenly Father!!