chapters 17-21 in my life book

As I was reflecting on a lesson the Lord has seen me through, it dawned on me to write it all out. SO- onward.

When Matt and I broke up in the fall of 2009, my emotional world fell apart. God reminded me in those moments of brokenness that He is sovereign, He is in control, He has allowed every event in my life to pass, and HE is my world. I had such a peace and even joy during that saga.
Coming home from Ecuador, after the fall-out, my entire life was unrecognizable. I was living alone, sans boyfriend and christian community, working as a waitress, back to the grind of bills and wounds and familiar corners that sparked too many memories. I fell into unhealthy and ungodly patterns. I began to ache and wondered why God had me go through all I was going through, knowing that He sees a bigger picture and wants the best for me. I realize now that it wasn't doubt, but a healing process that led me closer to Him and His character.
I remember sitting in my car, gripping the steering wheel and screaming, "WHY?!" until my throat was sore. I never heard an audible voice, but I knew God was there. He heard the groans of my heart. He knew the situations better than I and could relate to all my sorrow.
Fast forward to the summer of 2010. My life was on the upswing. The spiritual pull I'd been feeling towards a path of righteousness and not of selfish-indulgence was finally making its way through my life again. Then something unexpected happened. Matt showed up.
After an extended period of dealing with the reality of getting over a person, he came to give a final farewell. He was moving. I thought I would never see him again.
Things didn't turn out that way. Tedious conversation, prayer, and contemplation went on before we decided to give it another go. God allowed Matt to re-enter my daily life.
As I was thinking about this, and all the junk that comes along with it, I thought about what God was doing. I still don't have it all figured out, and probably will never understand it all, but I can see it more clearly stepping back from a long, difficult year and a half.
I was thinking: A parent may buy some thing. And their baby gets a hold of it. This thing could easily choke the baby, so the parent takes the thing away. The child begins to weep. When the child grows up a little, matures, understands more about how the thing works, the parent lets the child have the thing. Perhaps it's a game with little pieces. The baby can't comprehend it. The pieces are easy to swallow and become dangerous to the infant. But a child of a few years would be able to handle the pieces and perhaps learn to play the game. The game may be frustrating to the child, very frustrating at times, but the parent knows the child will learn in time.
This is kind of how I think it is with God and me.
I am such a child. At times I still complain when I don't get my way.
God knew Matt had to be taken from me. He was toxic. God needed my attention. I needed to learn some things. I needed to grow a little more before handling "the game" again.
God has given me Matt.
Is it still dangerous sometimes? Yes. Do I still need my Parent? Absolutely!!!
But I can now appreciate the times when the Lord does take away, and not just when He gives.
HE knows what is best!!!

Wintry Mix

Stormy weather
Since my man and I ain't together
Keeps raining all the time

My Ice/Snow/Near-Death Story

My roommate and I drove to North Carolina last Friday evening to deliver a car. We were driving down Long John Mountain as snow was falling rapidly. My little Mazda took the curves with slight agitation and slipping. I regained composure. As we rounded the "bad hill" I lost control of the wheel. The car began to careen into the other lane, turning almost perpendicular to the road. It slid off the embankment/road/mountain, as I frantically pulled up the emergency brake. After some heavy breathing, I was coaxed out of the car by my roommate, who had to pull over her vehicle and walk up to my wreck. I saw that only a pile of debris and a couple of thin trees were holding my car in place. I was wedged in. After the tow truck came and pulled me out, I realized that God's arm had slid me into that hole. A few inches up the mountain, and I could've fallen further down the hill. A foot lower, I may have toppled upside down. Who knows. I just know that the Lord protected me. Always an adventure.

Addendum: It then snowed Sunday night in South Carolina which holed me up for 3 days without work. I did some sledding and driving though. And had a couple awesome walks with my precious nephew Ayden. I love the Lord! I don't give Him enough credit for all He is and does.

too much down time makes me...down

My mind seems a fuddleduttledshoozerydooblery mess.
I'm tired.
I want to vomit out all my lethargy.
I want to create an inspiring post without sounding like I wanted to write an inspiring post. Lame.
My long-term man-friend is spending his 3 days off in another state. Not mine. I'm very proud of him. But I'm lonely for him. Pathetic.
I always have these awesome thoughts and phrases as I drive. Tonight I drove around for about an hour, stopping only for Walgreens and Checkers. It's like as soon as I sit to write, my brain stops. My body gets tired. My hands, lazy.
Tomorrow after school we're holding auditions for the spring production I'm directing.
(side note: I, I, I, I...can I write a sentence without including that letter-word?!)
I'm trying to stay positive, knowing that I may have to hold auditions again next week if no one shows up tomorrow.
Ever been in a space in life when you don't know what you want, but you know what you want, but you want something you can't have, but you don't want that because it's too much work, but you don't really care, but you're frustrated that you can't be there? Yeah. Try that on for size. Or...don't. It's messy.
A fuddleduttledshoozerydooblery mess.

14 days, and I'm a nut

How do weeks seem like years and those years seem like days and those days like moments that seem like hours?
Time.
"Time heals all wounds." Only if you deal with those wounds within the time.
"Time is money." Ok, maybe. But you can do things that cost nothing...but time.
"If you got the dime, I got the time." Eww. Did I just make that up?
My short-lived motivation for blogging something original and thought-provoking has left me stale.
I go back to work tomorrow. Although the hurdles of beginning a new job, teaching a class for the very first time, and dealing with insecurity have been cleared, tonight my heart ached with the anticipation that is my 7:30am. Two weeks off can mess with a mind.
Time.
I've walked into a relationship that has seen the life Time can bring. For almost 5 years. Three and a half if you wanna get technical. Ok, 2 months.
Was there ever a time I did not know God? Or OF God? I can't recall. What a blessing! And yet I complain about time. Time off. Time wasted. Time interrupted. Time scheduled. Time packed. Empty time.
I feel like I have this exterior, this mask, if you'll humor me, that I wear to make you believe I know what I'm talking about. And in my mind, I do. But I don't. How am I a teacher? God is real because I sure couldn't do this alone. Teach. It's all glory to Him! ...am I insulting Him? I often feel like I do. I'm lazy. I don't want to insult Him. Perhaps now is the time to insert a new year's resolution: Make better use of time. It's running out, but I got plenty o' time! :-)