spiritually bipolar

Slightly ambiguous thoughts on a slightly hungover morning

If we are truly sorry about something, we'll stop doing it. Right? Does everyone go through flip-flop patterns?
Praise God for Paul. If the internet was available in Bible times, this is probably the most honest blog I would ever read:

"What I don't understand about myself is that I decide one way, but then I act another, doing things I absolutely despise. So if I can't be trusted to figure out what is best for myself and then do it, it becomes obvious that God's command is necessary.
But I need something more! For if I know the law but still can't keep it, and if the power of sin within me keeps sabotaging my best intentions, I obviously need help! I realize that I don't have what it takes. I can will it, but I can't do it. I decide to do good, but I don't really do it; I decide not to do bad, but then I do it anyway. My decisions, such as they are, don't result in actions. Something has gone wrong deep within me and gets the better of me every time.
It happens so regularly that it's predictable. The moment I decide to do good, sin is there to trip me up. I truly delight in God's commands, but it's pretty obvious that not all of me joins in that delight. Parts of me covertly rebel, and just when I least expect it, they take charge.
I've tried everything and nothing helps. I'm at the end of my rope. Is there no one who can do anything for me? Isn't that the real question?
The answer, thank God, is that Jesus Christ can and does. He acted to set things right in this life of contradictions where I want to serve God with all my heart and mind, but am pulled by the influence of sin to do something totally different."

Paul.

Romans 7:15-25

Giving Thanks

Yes, yes...this is a string of things I'm thankful for. Do it. Make a list. God deserves much more credit and glory than my humble little list, but here it is nonetheless. I'm so grateful for everything He has given me, allowed me to go through, and the people who have crossed my path...and the ones who've chosen to walk it with me.

God's faithfulness
Christ's sacrifice
Family, Friends
My job, my students
Creativity and laughter
Kind words of encouragement
Goofy moments
Music, 4th Man Standing (my band)
Influences with integrity
Meaningful hugs
Car that runs
Food, food, food
My apartment
Paycheck
The difficult experiences
Gentle kisses
Love

Meditation

I was feeling overwhelmed, frustrated, and self-absorbed this afternoon. The latter was the ickiest. It's a viscous cycle, self-pity. After groaning and complaining to a very patient man named Matthew, the Lord quieted my spirit and allowed me to get a TON of stuff done for the event that was causing me so much strife.
When you hand control over to Christ, He shows you where you were wrong and gently lays out the plans step by step. So it was with my theatre planning this afternoon.
I was also honored to hear some of God's tender love and beauty through a very unique and special girl named Alice. She played a violin piece that almost brought me to tears. After all my junk, God still saw fit to bless my heart with gorgeous sounds of His grace.
After rehearsal tonight, I was proud and excited again to be a part of this thing called teaching.
My ill mood was quickly turned into go-mode. I was more productive in the past 9 hours than I have been in a while for this event I'm planning. God is so good! I am grateful for this experience, irritations and all.
Piece by piece, God's showing me how it will all come together. Just like life. Trust.

Starting Over. Again.

I have moved.
I have moved on.
I am moving forward.
I will move into another chapter in life.

Today was monumental, in small ways.
I have left my first apartment and have moved in with my friend Sarah.
As I was locking up the empty vault of memories, I realized that this is going to be a wonderful new leaf. I physically shut the door on my past bad decisions and walked into a warm, fresh life. It's almost easier now, being apart from the location of a lot of my dark times. It's like God giving me more steps towards light.
Praise Him for the painful moments, the hard times, the brokenness. The bliss is almost surreal now. My growth is feeling like a growth spurt; I'm seeing how God can use the spiritually "dormant" period in my life as a springboard for current situations. Did that make sense? When I felt like I was drowning, the Lord was storing up experiences that would positively influence my circumstances today.
Man, He is ever faithful and patient! How great is He!!!

growing up is hard

To teach, we must be disciplined.
To discipline, we must love.
To love, we must be humble.
Humility stems from a process of discipline, patience, and experience.
These things I am learning in my personal journey as a teacher.
I cannot change anyone, but I can love and lead and be an example. That can bring change.
We must "be transformed by the renewing of our minds." (Romans 12:2) Changing the way we think. How can I teach others to change the way they think when they won't be bothered to listen? I love. I try to love. I try to be patient.
When does teaching cross over into parenting? Motivation into scolding? Strictness into frustration and anger?
These things I am struggling through.
Don't give up. Don't let up. Don't give in. Don't wallow in self pity.
I have been given the great task and responsibility...no, the honor and privilege of leading young people.
I want to leave a mark. I want to excel. I want to make a difference.
Today I felt very unnecessary. But I refuse to allow the enemy any footholds in my life.
The victory has been won! Satan is defeated!
I am safe in God. Tucked into Him through Jesus Christ.
I've been put in my situations for a reason. I must press on to where He is leading.
"I'm off and running, and I'm not turning back." (Phil. 3:14 Msg)

Oh God, we cry out!

Much could be written about the past 2 months of my life. I'll just compile an elusive list. Glean from it what you may.

* God is good.
* I am a hypocrite.
* 6th graders need lots of love and discipline.
* Being a teacher is like being a student of the Lord.
* I can cross out "dancing on a bar" on my bucket list.
* Every person I've ever known named Jamie has been a tremendous blessing in my life!
* Leading worship by singing is freeing.
* God is still good.
* I can fail over and over and over, and I still have humans that love me. More importantly, my Father forgives and loves me.
* Babies can develop viral rashes and still have the personality to brighten your day.
* Bullying needs to be STOPPED.
* My grandmother's 91st birthday was 2 days ago. She celebrated with Jesus.
* God is good. Really good.
* 5 year old boys are hilarious.
* I have enough money to live. Not enough for expenses.
* Autumn is the greatest season.
* Apple picking is fun when done with someone you love.
* God is always good.

i am a child. a student.

While driving home from work this evening I was thinking about myself as a teacher. I teach 3 courses, approximately 85 students overall, at Shannon Forest Christian School. Going into this position I was nervous. Sure, I wanted out of the restaurant business and into a field of my study (Theatre), but I would rather act and do improv, not teach. But as I started to see why God has me at the school, it became a more joyful experience...and, truthfully, easier to obey the Lord.
Here are some things that have been roaming around the space in my head:

I didn't want to be a full-time teacher.
God provided a part-time position teaching something I'm passionate about.

I didn't want to have to wake up early.
My classes begin at 1:20pm.

I didn't think it was possible to teach only 3 high school students (yep, there are only 3 in my 7th period class).
It has been one of the biggest blessings so far!

I wanted to make an impact.
God has allowed me to connect personally with all 3 of my students.

Tonight I was frustrated though. I had expectations of the kids being more disciplined and well-behaved. I was talking to myself and God in the car, and I said, "Why won't they just listen and obey me?"
And then came the Holy Spirit...
"Why don't you, Britney?"
It's the same with God.
I'm on the cusp of tears as I write this. What a perfect, gentle way to teach me to listen and obey my Father.
God is ever faithful, ever patient, and always always loving. In my trials as a teacher, the Lord is really tugging on my heart to learn some valuable lessons.

Faithful as Always

I want my life to be an encouragement to others. I want my story and my experiences to point to Christ.
I trust the Lord. I want to follow His plan.

I'm teaching this year. Not something I would have plotted for myself, but I'm actually enjoying it, and today I got to see a speck of why I might be there. For this specific time, this specific year, this specific season in my life.

A student stayed after class and talked to me about her life. I shared a good bit of my journey. She opened up. I just felt like God saying, "This is why I've placed you here, Britney."

If my students leave my class knowing more about Christ, experiencing His love through my teaching, and growing in their walk...I have done well. If they leave knowing NOTHING about Theatre, but I have helped lead them on the path of righteousness, I will count that as success. Of course, I know they will learn SOMETHING about Theatre :-) But I am actually getting settled into this whole "life-changing" process. The process in my students' lives. And my own.

I traveled to Charlotte and Columbia the past few days. I attended Elevation Church in Charlotte on Sunday. The words to the following song struck a big chord in my heart. It's really my prayer in this chapter of my life. I hope everyone reading will reflect on the beauty of God this week!

All I am, I surrender.
Give me faith to trust what You say-
That You're good, and Your love is great.
I'm broken inside. I give you my life.
I may be weak, but Your Spirit's strong in me.
My flesh may fail, but my God, You never will!

conversations in cars

Oh the grace!!!!!
It is beginning to sink in. The undeserved mercy, compassion, and love I'm given by my Holy Father!

Throughout my life I've been kept under the protective wing of God. The past 8 months or so He has allowed me to run out from under that shelter, but He never left me. His grace and love for me has rescued my wandering heart! He has constantly been in pursuit of me. Even when that meant stepping back and, in some ways, making me come to Him, falling at His feet. It's all to take a step closer to Him. To further that relationship between myself and Christ.
He has plotted a very distinct journey out just for me. He knows me. Better than I know myself. He knows what is best for me. He created me. He knows how to teach me. He knows what will stretch me. What will break me. What will grow me. And how I adore Him for being gentle with my fragile spirit, which I now see is getting stronger each day. He is working things out for the good. And I love Him!

Tonight it hit me right between the eyes. God's mercy FAR exceeds MY idea of mercy. His grace is laced with such unbridled love and compassion, and discipline even... I'm having a difficult time putting it into words. I've only just now come to a point where I can look back on the darkness in my life and praise God for it.

Praise Him for the experiences that shattered my world.
Praise Him for the brokenness.
Praise Him for the waiting period.
Praise Him for the hopeless-hanging-on-by-a-thread moments.
Praise Him for the healing.
Praise Him for the restoration.
Praise Him for the answered prayers that I didn't even realize were being answered.
Praise Him for godly friends burdened for me.
Praise Him for ...LIFE!

There is much more that could be said. For now, I will be grateful and continue to walk this, often times, rough road of following Christ. It is THE BEST path for my life! And ya know what? His yoke is easy. His burden is light. And when I feel weighed down, He promises: "Come to Me all who are weary, and I will give you rest."
Thank You, thank You, thank You!!!

Comfortable in Christ

I came to a startling realization this morning.
Do I REALLY love Jesus?
I AM one of His followers. I love GOD. I praise GOD. But what about Jesus? I mean, I SAY I love Jesus. I thank Him. I am well aware of His sacrifice and try not to take for granted the glory of it. I even pray specifically to Him, and I know it is only through Him that I have a relationship with God. But when I was typing a new profile sentence for Twitter, it somehow felt fake to say "I love Jesus." WHY!? God and Jesus are one and the same.
Have I drifted from the desire to learn about Christ? I think that's the realization. I've become numb to the reality of Jesus. He IS real. He DOES love me. I will NOT be ashamed!
Jesus, I want to love You more.

Cross.

I'm currently reading Beth Moore's new book "So Long Insecurity." So far, it has been very enlightening. Not only to the insecurities I harbor, but the way I behave and treat others because of them and how I put unnecessary pressure on certain people to treat me a certain way and act a certain way towards me.
Mrs. Moore says something profound in chapter 3: "...stop handing people the kind of power only God should wield over us."
Wow.
I relate so much to her stories.
To somewhat segueway into my current life circumstances, I start a new job tomorrow that will undoubtedly bring to light many insecurities I have...and try to keep hidden. I will be teaching my first formal class tomorrow afternoon.
Is it scary to me? Yes.
Are there 1,000 things churning through my brain? Absolutely.
Am I willing to allow God to hold all my value and self worth? I will try. I know He does. I want Him to. I want to stop worrying. I want to forget the past failures in my relationships and career paths and life decisions and press forward. As I will tell my students, "It is ok to fail. It is not ok to not try." I like what Thomas Edison said, too (paraphrased): "I just found 100 ways NOT to make a light bulb!" What a positive, non-failing attitude.
I ALSO just thought of another parallel. I'm in a show at the Bird and Baby Theatre, and my character, at the end of the play, fashions 2 BIC pens into a cross and makes a major decision, holding the "cross" firmly with an outstretched arm in front of her. The pens represent (in my life, as well) past painful experiences. She realizes that God has a plan. In my own life, as I enter this next chapter, I will hold my BIC pens up high with the Lord in front of me and cross the river to obey my Father.
I will grow. I will stretch. I will hurt. I will prevail. I will continue to make the foundation of my soul Jesus Christ!

just breathe. and take one small step at a time.

Ever get that feeling in your chest that almost makes you shake? Stress, burdens, worry, anxiety...these feelings are clouding my mind and weighing on my heart.
I've been hired as a drama teacher. A 6th-12th grade drama teacher. Part-time. 3 classes. I am overwhelmed and paralyzed with fret.
It's out of character for me to worry. I trust the Lord will do something in my life during this upcoming school year. I do not doubt His provisions and the growth He has planned for me.
But change is change. And change is hard.
For 3 years I have been waitressing, doing random things, living in foreign lands...
It is time for a stretch. For a step in another direction. It's exciting and adventurous, but scary.
We shall see what the Lord will accomplish in my heart during the next 11 months. Father, help me!!!

How do you know?

Recently, I had a discussion with a dear dear friend of mine about being a Christian.
He asked me how someone knows if they're really saved. "I mean, how do you really know?"
I paused and said that it truly is between that person and God, we can't judge anyone, but there are some flags along the journey that should pinpoint to a relationship with Christ.
The first is just that- a relationship with Christ. Does the person speak with the Lord, pray, read the Bible, desire a closer walk with God?
Next, is there fruit? Does the person's life show signs of glory and goodness? Fruits of the spirit- love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self control.
AND, is the person different now from the time they accepted the gift of Jesus, His redeeming love and death for us? I told him if you can look at the road map of your life and clearly see a change in how you act, think, react, love, and live between the starting point of your commitment to Christ and right now, then you probably had a genuine experience with the Lord.
Of course, there are other things: are you convicted about sin in your heart? have you had moments of real connection with the Lord? do you know that your experiences are for a greater purpose, a purpose to glorify the Lord and be used by Him to expand the Kingdom?

SO, I hope this is clear to whoever reads it. I just wanted to flesh my thoughts out onto paper...or a website :)

Take Flight

I often feel like I'm on a treadmill.
Not gaining any ground. Just going through the motions. Running. Running. Running. Then BAM! God gently smacks me into a different way of thinking. My life seems to change. Then WOOP! I'm back on the exercise machine. Running. Going nowhere. I allow myself to function in the routine of life.
I want more.
I want to have an adventure.
I want my life to be more adventurous.
I want to jump off a metaphorical cliff and see what God does with me.

Recently I've felt like this:



Strugglin' to get off the ground. Hovering above mediocrity, thinking I'm doing great, but in reality, I'm just...hovering.
I want to take flight.