heavy dose of reality

My heart is heavy.
The outside of my life looks pretty good. The inside is a little rough. And the inside of the inside, where my soul resides, is aching.
My mind is filled with chaotic events, past mistakes, future circumstances. Feelings of anxiety, worry, bitterness, hopelessness- these are not from the Lord.
I can't help but reflect on the past 4 days with tearful eyes. In an instant, my heart is troubled, angry, distraught, anxious, worried, saddened, and thankful, joyful, enlightened, and lighter. How can this dichotomy exist in my heart?
I can boil all these ambiguous sentences into a few key lessons.
1. When I stray away from the Lord, I get myself into trouble. I lose sight of truth. I lose sight of who I am. I lost sight of reality. This is perhaps the hardest lesson. Forget the regrets. Forget the injuries others have given me. I walked away from the Lord without really even realizing it. What the what?!
2. God will always be the rock at rock-bottom. God is always faithful to love me. He can't not love me. He has always been the Constant, the Provider, the Comforter, the Healer.
3. I am fine. I will be ok. I am a sinner and make mistakes. I am like any other human. I am not above another. But I am loved by a holy God who has shown me immense and unfathomable grace and forgiveness.
4. The world is gross and disgusting. We are so destitute and in need of a Savior. People's insides are ugly. Motives are twisted. We are impure. But God can restore and clean and heal. He is the only pillar on which we can rest and regain strength to live in a world that's not our home.

*sigh* Ah, after talking about it, God is restoring my joy and trust in Him. I feel better already.
Cliche as it is, tomorrow is a new day! The Lord's mercies are new every morning. This day is done. God doesn't make me feel guilty. He convicts me of my junk and asks me to move in closer to Him. Done.

Help me, Lord, to stay near to You as you heal my wounded heart.

The Mothership

My mother is the most important woman in my life.
She not only gave birth to me and my sister, but she endured an insane life full of transformation.
She has been crushed and broken, but she has persevered and held firm to her faith in God.
She has seen me at my worst. And despite those times, she is my biggest supporter, my biggest fan, my biggest encourager.
She is beautiful and kind. Generous and selfless. Funny and quirky. Tender-hearted and strong. And a lovely example of a rough-around-the-edges woman after God's heart.
I am so proud of her and so thankful. More than the words that would spill from my brain onto this blog no one reads  :)
She is my "Mama" and my best friend. My sister in Christ and my rock (apart from the Lord, of course), and I love her.
She deserves more than a blog post from me, but I hope this makes you, reader, wanna hug your mom. Or at the very least, give her a call.

my new normal

"He's an awesome Jew." - my boss talking about a coworker
"You have a novio?" - 2 different coworkers
"Don't let the table run you; YOU run the table." - hand-me-down advice
My first tip came from a student and his family.

And this is my life today.

I feel like there is some connection between my first table at this new job being a student and his family...like, a sign from God that I'm heading in the right direction.

It has been a good week so far. Wild, but wild is my new normal  :)

JEHOVAH-JIREH

I've done it. I've quit teaching and just started a serving job at a Chinese restaurant.
I actually did it. I changed the course of my life in one summer. One decision.
Leave the school. That was the first step. Second, get another job. Done.
And even this summer has been speckled with amazing opportunities to act and make money!
I've worked with an autistic theatre program, performed improv for the homeless community, house and dog-sat, and even now am working part-time helping CITA (Christians in Theatre Arts)...Life is busy! And good. God is good.
He has been so faithful and so sweet and so generous to me this summer! He provides all I need...and more! His love and His blessings are beyond words. The peace I've felt in unbelievable. Within this life-altering, transitional period, God has been a rock, a refuge. And I've had only a few emotional breakdowns (and they weren't really even about my "career" or money!...stupid boys)
I've mended a friendship, settled into an apartment, married off 4 amazing friends...it has been a wild ride since March! And I know the adventures will continue.
I can go anywhere, do anything!
Pesky money tethers me to the Greenville area right now, but I'm looking into moving. Austin, TX is my first choice of exploration. Maybe even seeing my dad for a while in Cali. Who knows.
I just know that right now- this night, tomorrow, perhaps even through December- I have a plan. But I'm trusting the Lord to direct my steps each day, each hour, each minute.
"Oh praise the One who paid my debt and raised this life up from the dead!"