Love

Love is tricky. It seems so simple. Love. Just love people. Be nice. Be patient and kind. Forgive. Put others first. The list of the attributes of love in 1st Corinthians is a lengthy one, but it's true. But I find loving to be difficult at times.

What if you find yourself loving, and loving hard, and the person you love doesn't love you back. At least, not in the same way or form. How do you handle it? How does a broken and repaired heart learn to heal from yet another puncture?

You may think it's odd that I'm having these thoughts on Thanksgiving. But learning lessons you need to learn don't always happen when you want them to happen. Apparently I still need a lesson in love.

As I was driving around this afternoon just thinking about my recent encounters with love, I realized that I tend to seek love from the wrong sources. I'm an emotional person, a feeler, a hyper-sensitive human even. My heart has been shattered and healed, ripped and mended, smashed and gently woven back into something beautiful. My tender feelings can get me in trouble, causing my heart even more trauma. But I love. I continue loving. And in the past couple years, I've loved hard. I loved the right way and the wrong way. And sometimes, very recently in my life, the person you love and want love from doesn't return it. I'm learning that when that happens, I tend to shut down. I'm bitter and angry, sad and frustrated, and I'm usually crying.

Why? What's the deal? Is it me? Am I doing something wrong? Why won't they just love me? Am I loving the wrong people? Perhaps.

BUT...I'm learning that instead of building up walls, guarding my heart so tightly that no one can get in, putting up barriers of expectations and unreachable standards and hate and a jaded attitude...instead of going to that place, I should continue to love. I should continue to hope for love in return. I am worth it. And I have a lot of love to give. Heartache hasn't killed me yet. Brokenness makes me stronger.

My biggest strength and positivity in all this: God.
He is always loving. He loves with a jealous passion for me. He loves me faithfully. He IS love.
I have to keep my eyes and my heart and my mind focused on Him if I ever want to love with purity. With a love that doesn't need anything in return, but glorifies the Lord regardless of my emotional circumstances.
Despite my disappointments, I can be content in the love that IS given to me in the smallest moments. I will choose to revel in the little breaths of life that bring me joy. A hug from a student, a child running up to me and kissing my cheek, my nephew jumping into my lap, a gentle kiss on my forehead, a word of encouragement, a look of understanding. These tiny moments of love carry me forward and give me hope that God still loves me. Even if I don't feel the kind of love I want to feel from who I want to feel it. (whew, that was a mouthful of a sentence!)

Loving is difficult. But when it's lived out through Christ, it's not so tricky.