chapters 17-21 in my life book

As I was reflecting on a lesson the Lord has seen me through, it dawned on me to write it all out. SO- onward.

When Matt and I broke up in the fall of 2009, my emotional world fell apart. God reminded me in those moments of brokenness that He is sovereign, He is in control, He has allowed every event in my life to pass, and HE is my world. I had such a peace and even joy during that saga.
Coming home from Ecuador, after the fall-out, my entire life was unrecognizable. I was living alone, sans boyfriend and christian community, working as a waitress, back to the grind of bills and wounds and familiar corners that sparked too many memories. I fell into unhealthy and ungodly patterns. I began to ache and wondered why God had me go through all I was going through, knowing that He sees a bigger picture and wants the best for me. I realize now that it wasn't doubt, but a healing process that led me closer to Him and His character.
I remember sitting in my car, gripping the steering wheel and screaming, "WHY?!" until my throat was sore. I never heard an audible voice, but I knew God was there. He heard the groans of my heart. He knew the situations better than I and could relate to all my sorrow.
Fast forward to the summer of 2010. My life was on the upswing. The spiritual pull I'd been feeling towards a path of righteousness and not of selfish-indulgence was finally making its way through my life again. Then something unexpected happened. Matt showed up.
After an extended period of dealing with the reality of getting over a person, he came to give a final farewell. He was moving. I thought I would never see him again.
Things didn't turn out that way. Tedious conversation, prayer, and contemplation went on before we decided to give it another go. God allowed Matt to re-enter my daily life.
As I was thinking about this, and all the junk that comes along with it, I thought about what God was doing. I still don't have it all figured out, and probably will never understand it all, but I can see it more clearly stepping back from a long, difficult year and a half.
I was thinking: A parent may buy some thing. And their baby gets a hold of it. This thing could easily choke the baby, so the parent takes the thing away. The child begins to weep. When the child grows up a little, matures, understands more about how the thing works, the parent lets the child have the thing. Perhaps it's a game with little pieces. The baby can't comprehend it. The pieces are easy to swallow and become dangerous to the infant. But a child of a few years would be able to handle the pieces and perhaps learn to play the game. The game may be frustrating to the child, very frustrating at times, but the parent knows the child will learn in time.
This is kind of how I think it is with God and me.
I am such a child. At times I still complain when I don't get my way.
God knew Matt had to be taken from me. He was toxic. God needed my attention. I needed to learn some things. I needed to grow a little more before handling "the game" again.
God has given me Matt.
Is it still dangerous sometimes? Yes. Do I still need my Parent? Absolutely!!!
But I can now appreciate the times when the Lord does take away, and not just when He gives.
HE knows what is best!!!