lessons in teaching

The time is here- my 3rd semester of teaching is coming to a close!
It has been a wild ride to say the least. I never thought I'd teach formally, for one. And to be honest, I didn't think I'd still be in Greenville if you had asked me a few years ago. But God has set me on a path that is changing me little by little.

Things I am learning:

Students need structure and discipline. I need structure and discipline.
Patience.
God wants me to listen to Him, be quiet when He talks, and obey what He says.
I am smart.
Be flexible.
Be ready to give an answer for your faith.
This generation is different from mine.
Patience.
God provides.
I am lazy.
I am blessed.
Kids need someone to listen to them.

I hope if you're a teacher that you have a glorious and restful Christmas break! :-)

it REALLY is the little things...

those little things in life that make or break your day
that comment that stuck with you and makes you laugh
the stubbornness you expressed in that moment that lingers in your memory years later
that look you exchanged
the "like" on facebook
a good hair day
the moment you realize that smell is coming from your cat
a great deal on a camera
a conversation with a sibling
a note from a christian friend
a touch
a text
an old pair of shoes
the little things add up

"life is not a series of unrelated events." it's true. everything is connected somehow. the little things are connected.

dando gracias

We're currently in the "thankful" season, although we should be thankful always (Ephesians 5:20). So, I would like to make a list of some crazy things I've done in my life for which I am thankful. Enjoy!

-College
-Dressing up like a gorilla
-MCing an Egg Drop
-Being a high school mascot
-Living in Ecuador
-Cleaning a house that does not belong to me
-Sewing a fox and lion costume
-Riding a gimpy horse down a rocky path
-Hiking/almost falling off a cliff
-Eating cuy (guinea pig)
-Walking to Spinx
-"Stealing" a plastic statue of the virgin Mary
-Playing improv as an opener act to Brad Stine
-Giving my opinion on a jewelry panel
-Dressing up like a dog
-"Adjudicating" a high school theatre competition
-Recording a song
-Getting my heart broken
-Meeting people from Australia, New Zealand, Belgium, the UK, Ecuador, Brazil, and Peru
-Living with a Canadian
-Being a flower girl in 2, bridesmaid in 4, singer in 4, guest book attendant in 2, guest at...over 15 weddings?
-Running from "zombies"
-Eating whip cream straight from the can on a bridge
-Blobbing
-Zip-lining
-Running around downtown with a Shakeweight
-Adopting a cat
-Swing dancing
-Crocheting a blanket
-Dressing up like a skunk
-Moving over...15 times?
-Teaching and directing crazy kids
-Watching 2 babies being born
-Road tripping to Texas
-Loving

Happy Thanksgiving!!!

too emotional for your taste? i don't care.

i don't want to think about you anymore.
the best memories are painful
the bad memories anger
and the every day life memories are unbearable.

yes, i don't want to think about you anymore.
my good intentions only fail
my unselfish motives turn to self pity
and my repression taunts me.

those lyrics.
i struggle with forward motion.
i would quote it and agree, but the lead's name reminds me of you.

that song.
the one i claimed to be our own.
i would listen to it and enjoy it, but the emotion it stirs is raw.

these are just thoughts spilling into an abyss of strangers that will never look,
a sea of opinions that will never matter to the masses,
the canvas that i'll one day delete
in hopes of erasing the angst,
in hopes of stitching up the wound,
in hopes of healing my heart.

By T.D. Jakes

"Letting Go"

There are people who can walk away from you.

And hear me when I tell you this! When people can walk away from you: let them walk. I don't want you to try to talk another person into staying with you, loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you, staying attached to you. I mean hang up the phone.

When people can walk away from you let them walk. Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left.

The bible said that, they came out from us that it might be made manifest that they were not for us. For had they been of us, no doubt they would have continued with us. [1 John 2:19]

People leave you because they are not joined to you. And if they are not joined to you, you can't make them stay.
Let them go.

And it doesn't mean that they are a bad person it just means that their part in the story is over. And you've got to know when people's part in your story is over so that you don't keep trying to raise the dead.. You've got to know when it's dead.

You've got to know when it's over. Let me tell you something.. I've got the gift of good-bye. It's the tenth spiritual gift, I believe in good-bye.. It's not that I'm hateful, it's that I'm faithful, and I know whatever God means for me to have He'll give it to me. And if it takes too much sweat I don't need it. Stop begging people to stay.
Let them go!!

If you are holding on to something that doesn't belong to you and was never intended for your life, then you need to...
LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding on to past hurts and pains ...
LET IT GO!!!

If someone can't treat you right, love you back, and see your worth...
LET IT GO!!!

If someone has angered you...
LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding on to some thoughts of evil and revenge...
LET IT GO!!!

If you are involved in a wrong relationship or addiction...
LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding on to a job that no longer meets your needs or talents...
LET IT GO!!!

If you have a bad attitude...
LET IT GO!!!

If you keep judging others to make yourself feel better...
LET IT GO!!!

If you're stuck in the past and God is trying to take you to a new level in Him...
LET IT GO!!!

If you are struggling with the healing of a broken relationship...
LET IT GO!!!

If you keep trying to help someone who won't even try to help themselves...
LET IT GO!!!

If you're feeling depressed and stressed...
LET IT GO!!!

If there is a particular situation that you are so used to handling yourself and God is saying 'take your hands off of it,' then you need to...
LET IT GO!!!

"The Battle is the Lord's!"

a bit of silliness, really

I'd once again like to hear your thoughts on art and God.
I'd once again like to sit in a car with you and lean on your arm.
I'd once again like to laugh with you at how ridiculous I can be.
I'd once again like to walk down an unfamiliar road holding your hand.
I'd once again like to dream big dreams with you.
I'd once again like to fight about karaoke.
I'd once again like to travel to the beach with you.

I'd once again like to hear and sit and laugh and walk and dream and fight and travel and be. With you. Again.

But plans shift, people grow, and times, as Bob would say, "are a-changin'."

Did I love too much? Or not enough? Was I too immature? Too pushy? Too anything but perfect for you?

Such questions don't matter now. But I wonder every day. I miss every day. I move on every day.
And some days I just cry.

But tonight I simply quote Chitty- "From the ashes of disaster grow the roses of success."

I'm trying to get planted, but memories dig up and toss soil.
I'm trying to cycle forward, but my imagination stops my peddling feet like two heavy bricks.

Healing. Healing is in order.
How?
False hope?
Comfortable dysfunction?
Or real?
Or right?

ambiguous clarity

"It's ok to be hurt," he said.
I yelled, "I AM HURT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Blah blah blah... He continues.
He sounded like Oprah. "I know all this," I thought. I could've cried on his shoulder and thrown him into a stagnant lake at the same time.

In the meantime, your silence screams louder than heavy metal. But it's muffled and impossible to understand. I would also like to cry on you and toss you overboard.

"I know hands that hold can let go and brace for something new." Good lyrics. Too true.

Some of the happiest times in my life were times I couldn't breathe: When I laugh, I turn red and cry. A laugh on top of a laugh is not only exercise, but food for the soul. And as high as you get with joy, friends, and christmas music in august, one emotional conversation and an imagination that won't let you sleep can turn your happy into sad.

One thing is for sure. The only solid, certain, and faithful thing- God. Despite questions of the future, He is what keeps me sane. Him through a friendship, a job, and a family. Career paths, residency, spouse options, and even church is unstable in my life right now. But there is hope. There is faith. I blur the line a lot.

Sometimes you just don't want to hear it.

Other times you want to marinate in it for hours.

these feelings

Consumed with
self-centered cyclical thoughts,
she drowned herself
in her own depression
and pity.
Who captured her in this
invisible prison?
She blamed
herself
and fell into the pattern which had been
so comfortable,
but it now became
an annoyance.
An unintentional injury
to the heart
began to come apart.
What once had been sewn together
with apologies
and promises
had ripped open,
leaving a tear that could only be
healed
by the Creator of the organ.
The creator of the wound could not be bothered
to fix the infliction.
Or had the damage been done by herself?
She shoved aside the thought of
more guilt
and became
angry
at the thought of his
ignorance to emotion.
What's to become of us?
What's to become of me?
Selfish indulgences in "what if" questions
solve
nothing.
A new perspective,
a new direction,
a new relationship
is needed.
A stronger connection to
Christ
is
needed.

i want to get away

PeRspeCtiVE

Life is all about perspective, right? If you're having a lousy day, you can change the way you think about it, and your day could get better. If your day is going smoothly and you start to complain or reflect on the negative, your day can take a turn for the worse. It's all about your perspective.
But is changing your perspective always easy? My experience says no. Maybe I should shift gears and say that it IS easy. Am I just telling myself that then? Or is a shift in the way you look at your life really difficult? Is mind over matter truly...true?
The Holy Spirit living in me is abundantly stronger than these petty arguments, stressful circumstances, and irritating everyday hurdles. So- am I simply stifling His power in me?
Am I choosing to live in the moment to the point that I am swayed in every situation? I thought we were supposed to live in the moment. Perhaps I feel too much. Perhaps I allow myself to feel too much.
But I don't want to lose my emotionalism or ignore the pain someone inflicts on me.
Is this where forgiveness comes in? (sorry to switch subjects, but as I allow by brain to follow this thought pattern, it went here) Forgiveness. What a difficult word.
Forgive and forget, right? Forgive, but don't forget. But God forgives and forgets, right? When we are forgiven by the Lord, He removes all that junk as far as east is from the west. But does He remember? Of course. Right? Is He choosing to forget about it? It doesn't matter. The past is gone. We move forward. So, I should forgive and move forward. Forget to the point where it is removed, and we press on to happier memories.
Is any of this healthy? Is any of this making sense?

heavy.

Due to recent events, I am brought to questioning my personality and needs.
Am I insecure?
Am I too demanding?
Am I bossy and unreasonable?
As many flaws as I've found, I still resolve to answer "no" to the questions above.
It takes a lifetime to grow, change perspective a thousand times, be comfortable with who you are, and have patience with your surroundings and relationships.
If I enter a situation with insecurities, is it necessarily my fault? And if it is, should the parties present immediately jump to frustration, or should they love and comfort?
Why is that too much?
Why can't that be easy?
Why isn't wanting to fix something inherent in every human being, especially if it's a person whom they "love"?
I keep going in circles, making rational conclusions them backing away because of "love." I can't do this alone. Or maybe I can.
I only know I can't live my life without God.
How do I choose positivity over depression in every circumstance? It's exhausting.

exhaustion and irritation

There comes a time in everyone's life, I believe, that you just want to throw in the towel- quit your job, abandon responsibilities, drive across the country, stop paying bills, and so on. I am at that place in this moment.
I'm teaching computer education this morning to 1st, 2nd, and 3rd graders. My patience is wearing thin. For 6 months I have been tediously trying to communicate how to navigate to a website to 7 year olds. While being in a cafeteria. There are many hurdles to jump over. And today, I'm tired of jumping.
I think that anyone reading this can relate to being overwhelmed at some point in life. I am facing an ongoing project- planning for the next classroom lesson. Until summer of 2012. I want to jump off a cliff. I was talking with a friend last night who said, "You don't HAVE to teach next year." Well, maybe, but I feel like I should. And I don't want to abandon this job just because it's not perfect. Nothing is perfect. This is a fantastic job, and I'm blessed to have it, but I'd rather be acting. I want to travel. I want to get out of debt. I want to be a part of a theatre making a difference. i want to do improv. I want to perform. I want to make people laugh.
My stress level at this point is astronomical. I woke up this morning with a nauseated body. Aside from the ridiculous amount of Jack-in-the-Box I ate last night, I relate that upset stomach to stress. My boss told me yesterday, "You can't do it all. You're trying to do too much." But who else will do it? Who else CAN do it? It's not that I don't trust other people to help; I do. But scheduling and divvying out work is a nightmare.
I'm at the end of my strength rope.
And I know that all I need is God. So here I am, Lord. HELP ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

chapters 17-21 in my life book

As I was reflecting on a lesson the Lord has seen me through, it dawned on me to write it all out. SO- onward.

When Matt and I broke up in the fall of 2009, my emotional world fell apart. God reminded me in those moments of brokenness that He is sovereign, He is in control, He has allowed every event in my life to pass, and HE is my world. I had such a peace and even joy during that saga.
Coming home from Ecuador, after the fall-out, my entire life was unrecognizable. I was living alone, sans boyfriend and christian community, working as a waitress, back to the grind of bills and wounds and familiar corners that sparked too many memories. I fell into unhealthy and ungodly patterns. I began to ache and wondered why God had me go through all I was going through, knowing that He sees a bigger picture and wants the best for me. I realize now that it wasn't doubt, but a healing process that led me closer to Him and His character.
I remember sitting in my car, gripping the steering wheel and screaming, "WHY?!" until my throat was sore. I never heard an audible voice, but I knew God was there. He heard the groans of my heart. He knew the situations better than I and could relate to all my sorrow.
Fast forward to the summer of 2010. My life was on the upswing. The spiritual pull I'd been feeling towards a path of righteousness and not of selfish-indulgence was finally making its way through my life again. Then something unexpected happened. Matt showed up.
After an extended period of dealing with the reality of getting over a person, he came to give a final farewell. He was moving. I thought I would never see him again.
Things didn't turn out that way. Tedious conversation, prayer, and contemplation went on before we decided to give it another go. God allowed Matt to re-enter my daily life.
As I was thinking about this, and all the junk that comes along with it, I thought about what God was doing. I still don't have it all figured out, and probably will never understand it all, but I can see it more clearly stepping back from a long, difficult year and a half.
I was thinking: A parent may buy some thing. And their baby gets a hold of it. This thing could easily choke the baby, so the parent takes the thing away. The child begins to weep. When the child grows up a little, matures, understands more about how the thing works, the parent lets the child have the thing. Perhaps it's a game with little pieces. The baby can't comprehend it. The pieces are easy to swallow and become dangerous to the infant. But a child of a few years would be able to handle the pieces and perhaps learn to play the game. The game may be frustrating to the child, very frustrating at times, but the parent knows the child will learn in time.
This is kind of how I think it is with God and me.
I am such a child. At times I still complain when I don't get my way.
God knew Matt had to be taken from me. He was toxic. God needed my attention. I needed to learn some things. I needed to grow a little more before handling "the game" again.
God has given me Matt.
Is it still dangerous sometimes? Yes. Do I still need my Parent? Absolutely!!!
But I can now appreciate the times when the Lord does take away, and not just when He gives.
HE knows what is best!!!

Wintry Mix

Stormy weather
Since my man and I ain't together
Keeps raining all the time

My Ice/Snow/Near-Death Story

My roommate and I drove to North Carolina last Friday evening to deliver a car. We were driving down Long John Mountain as snow was falling rapidly. My little Mazda took the curves with slight agitation and slipping. I regained composure. As we rounded the "bad hill" I lost control of the wheel. The car began to careen into the other lane, turning almost perpendicular to the road. It slid off the embankment/road/mountain, as I frantically pulled up the emergency brake. After some heavy breathing, I was coaxed out of the car by my roommate, who had to pull over her vehicle and walk up to my wreck. I saw that only a pile of debris and a couple of thin trees were holding my car in place. I was wedged in. After the tow truck came and pulled me out, I realized that God's arm had slid me into that hole. A few inches up the mountain, and I could've fallen further down the hill. A foot lower, I may have toppled upside down. Who knows. I just know that the Lord protected me. Always an adventure.

Addendum: It then snowed Sunday night in South Carolina which holed me up for 3 days without work. I did some sledding and driving though. And had a couple awesome walks with my precious nephew Ayden. I love the Lord! I don't give Him enough credit for all He is and does.

too much down time makes me...down

My mind seems a fuddleduttledshoozerydooblery mess.
I'm tired.
I want to vomit out all my lethargy.
I want to create an inspiring post without sounding like I wanted to write an inspiring post. Lame.
My long-term man-friend is spending his 3 days off in another state. Not mine. I'm very proud of him. But I'm lonely for him. Pathetic.
I always have these awesome thoughts and phrases as I drive. Tonight I drove around for about an hour, stopping only for Walgreens and Checkers. It's like as soon as I sit to write, my brain stops. My body gets tired. My hands, lazy.
Tomorrow after school we're holding auditions for the spring production I'm directing.
(side note: I, I, I, I...can I write a sentence without including that letter-word?!)
I'm trying to stay positive, knowing that I may have to hold auditions again next week if no one shows up tomorrow.
Ever been in a space in life when you don't know what you want, but you know what you want, but you want something you can't have, but you don't want that because it's too much work, but you don't really care, but you're frustrated that you can't be there? Yeah. Try that on for size. Or...don't. It's messy.
A fuddleduttledshoozerydooblery mess.

14 days, and I'm a nut

How do weeks seem like years and those years seem like days and those days like moments that seem like hours?
Time.
"Time heals all wounds." Only if you deal with those wounds within the time.
"Time is money." Ok, maybe. But you can do things that cost nothing...but time.
"If you got the dime, I got the time." Eww. Did I just make that up?
My short-lived motivation for blogging something original and thought-provoking has left me stale.
I go back to work tomorrow. Although the hurdles of beginning a new job, teaching a class for the very first time, and dealing with insecurity have been cleared, tonight my heart ached with the anticipation that is my 7:30am. Two weeks off can mess with a mind.
Time.
I've walked into a relationship that has seen the life Time can bring. For almost 5 years. Three and a half if you wanna get technical. Ok, 2 months.
Was there ever a time I did not know God? Or OF God? I can't recall. What a blessing! And yet I complain about time. Time off. Time wasted. Time interrupted. Time scheduled. Time packed. Empty time.
I feel like I have this exterior, this mask, if you'll humor me, that I wear to make you believe I know what I'm talking about. And in my mind, I do. But I don't. How am I a teacher? God is real because I sure couldn't do this alone. Teach. It's all glory to Him! ...am I insulting Him? I often feel like I do. I'm lazy. I don't want to insult Him. Perhaps now is the time to insert a new year's resolution: Make better use of time. It's running out, but I got plenty o' time! :-)