conversations in cars

Oh the grace!!!!!
It is beginning to sink in. The undeserved mercy, compassion, and love I'm given by my Holy Father!

Throughout my life I've been kept under the protective wing of God. The past 8 months or so He has allowed me to run out from under that shelter, but He never left me. His grace and love for me has rescued my wandering heart! He has constantly been in pursuit of me. Even when that meant stepping back and, in some ways, making me come to Him, falling at His feet. It's all to take a step closer to Him. To further that relationship between myself and Christ.
He has plotted a very distinct journey out just for me. He knows me. Better than I know myself. He knows what is best for me. He created me. He knows how to teach me. He knows what will stretch me. What will break me. What will grow me. And how I adore Him for being gentle with my fragile spirit, which I now see is getting stronger each day. He is working things out for the good. And I love Him!

Tonight it hit me right between the eyes. God's mercy FAR exceeds MY idea of mercy. His grace is laced with such unbridled love and compassion, and discipline even... I'm having a difficult time putting it into words. I've only just now come to a point where I can look back on the darkness in my life and praise God for it.

Praise Him for the experiences that shattered my world.
Praise Him for the brokenness.
Praise Him for the waiting period.
Praise Him for the hopeless-hanging-on-by-a-thread moments.
Praise Him for the healing.
Praise Him for the restoration.
Praise Him for the answered prayers that I didn't even realize were being answered.
Praise Him for godly friends burdened for me.
Praise Him for ...LIFE!

There is much more that could be said. For now, I will be grateful and continue to walk this, often times, rough road of following Christ. It is THE BEST path for my life! And ya know what? His yoke is easy. His burden is light. And when I feel weighed down, He promises: "Come to Me all who are weary, and I will give you rest."
Thank You, thank You, thank You!!!

Comfortable in Christ

I came to a startling realization this morning.
Do I REALLY love Jesus?
I AM one of His followers. I love GOD. I praise GOD. But what about Jesus? I mean, I SAY I love Jesus. I thank Him. I am well aware of His sacrifice and try not to take for granted the glory of it. I even pray specifically to Him, and I know it is only through Him that I have a relationship with God. But when I was typing a new profile sentence for Twitter, it somehow felt fake to say "I love Jesus." WHY!? God and Jesus are one and the same.
Have I drifted from the desire to learn about Christ? I think that's the realization. I've become numb to the reality of Jesus. He IS real. He DOES love me. I will NOT be ashamed!
Jesus, I want to love You more.

Cross.

I'm currently reading Beth Moore's new book "So Long Insecurity." So far, it has been very enlightening. Not only to the insecurities I harbor, but the way I behave and treat others because of them and how I put unnecessary pressure on certain people to treat me a certain way and act a certain way towards me.
Mrs. Moore says something profound in chapter 3: "...stop handing people the kind of power only God should wield over us."
Wow.
I relate so much to her stories.
To somewhat segueway into my current life circumstances, I start a new job tomorrow that will undoubtedly bring to light many insecurities I have...and try to keep hidden. I will be teaching my first formal class tomorrow afternoon.
Is it scary to me? Yes.
Are there 1,000 things churning through my brain? Absolutely.
Am I willing to allow God to hold all my value and self worth? I will try. I know He does. I want Him to. I want to stop worrying. I want to forget the past failures in my relationships and career paths and life decisions and press forward. As I will tell my students, "It is ok to fail. It is not ok to not try." I like what Thomas Edison said, too (paraphrased): "I just found 100 ways NOT to make a light bulb!" What a positive, non-failing attitude.
I ALSO just thought of another parallel. I'm in a show at the Bird and Baby Theatre, and my character, at the end of the play, fashions 2 BIC pens into a cross and makes a major decision, holding the "cross" firmly with an outstretched arm in front of her. The pens represent (in my life, as well) past painful experiences. She realizes that God has a plan. In my own life, as I enter this next chapter, I will hold my BIC pens up high with the Lord in front of me and cross the river to obey my Father.
I will grow. I will stretch. I will hurt. I will prevail. I will continue to make the foundation of my soul Jesus Christ!

just breathe. and take one small step at a time.

Ever get that feeling in your chest that almost makes you shake? Stress, burdens, worry, anxiety...these feelings are clouding my mind and weighing on my heart.
I've been hired as a drama teacher. A 6th-12th grade drama teacher. Part-time. 3 classes. I am overwhelmed and paralyzed with fret.
It's out of character for me to worry. I trust the Lord will do something in my life during this upcoming school year. I do not doubt His provisions and the growth He has planned for me.
But change is change. And change is hard.
For 3 years I have been waitressing, doing random things, living in foreign lands...
It is time for a stretch. For a step in another direction. It's exciting and adventurous, but scary.
We shall see what the Lord will accomplish in my heart during the next 11 months. Father, help me!!!