changing to love

Change.
It's the only thing that doesn't change in life. How ironic.

The past 9 months of my life have been splattered with change. And no, I'm not, nor have I ever been pregnant. In May of 2013, I quit my 3 year teaching job to "pursue an acting career." I planned to move to Austin, Texas sometime after February of 2014 if I didn't get any good job offers through a big audition I planned to attend. I worked random jobs throughout the summer and eventually started working at a Chinese restaurant so I could "save up money to move." It is now January 2014, and my plans have changed. Maybe it's because my plans never lined up with God's plans. Maybe I wasn't diligent or motivated enough to really follow through with the dreams in my mind. Regardless, I've done nothing I intended on doing.The audition fell through, I'm financially broke, and I've traded moving to another city for a godly man. That's right, I started dating someone in late September 2014. What is going on?!

As I think over these past 9 months, as I review my plans, remember my attitudes, and ponder my motivations, I am reminded that God knew all along what was going to happen. He still knows, and probably laughs, at what I think will happen versus His sovereign path for my life.
I've come to recognize a few things: I am more selfish and self-righteous than I want to admit, God's plans and perspective on my life look different than mine, and when I lean on God moment-by-moment, my days are so much more peaceful!

After being painfully betrayed early last summer, I was finally able to let go of a certain someone. God really opened me up to love again...even if I was unaware at first. I was living my carefree little life, sometimes dreaming in la-la land about my future adventures, excited about what the future would hold for my single, independent self, when it happened- Justin Preston entered my life...again.
This was a man who was a friend, then a foe, then a friend again. Things changed when he uttered the words, "I think we should pray for each other." And he prayed for me. He prayed with a genuine heart. He prayed with a humbleness that I admired. His love for the Lord outweighed any negative feelings or thoughts I previously had about him.
After a month or so of our new-found friendship, we prayed about dating, and he asked me to be his girlfriend. I said yes. The next day I had an emotional breakdown. Was I ready for this? Was I sure he was the one? Did I really want to be in a relationship? What about moving? What about my acting career? What about his daughter? What about his past?
But God has been working on my heart, and I can honestly say now that I love Justin Preston like I've never loved another. I'm learning what it looks like to forgive the way Jesus does. What it looks like to live out what I believe- to truly love someone beyond yourself, beyond your human capacity. I never thought I could date someone who had a child. I'm a virgin for goodness sake! But God is teaching me to let go of my expectations. Let go of what I think I deserve. Let go of my self-righteousness. Let go of my judgmental attitude. Let go of my fear. Let go of my worry. He is teaching me to simply forgive and love. He is the only way I can love. "We love because He first loved us." (1 John 4:19)

God is changing my heart. He is changing the way I think.

After I decided to risk love- to risk being hurt again, being selfless, letting my guard down- I fell in love. I didn't try to calculate it. I surrendered my relationship to God and let Him take the reins. It's hard work to love someone. That's kind of a dichotomy. You "fall" in love and yet, it's a lot of work to actively love someone. But the work doesn't feel like work a lot because you're "in love." Am I making sense? I think I've gone off on a rabbit trail in this post because, let's face it, I'm thinking about my sweet love Justin now (And his daughter is amazing. I love her too, by the way!).

All this to say- God is good. He knew I was lonely and in need of a family like Justin's. He knows exactly what I need...so much more than I could ever know! He is so much bigger than I allow Him to be. He has me in Greenville for a reason. He has provided a new job for me this year, and while I'm currently in a financial desert, He has and will provide for me. I'm doing theatre with a purpose now. I'm choosing to love, choosing joy, choosing contentment over frustration and anxiety. God is giving me peace.

And these changes are the greatest! All praise to my heavenly Father!!

heavy dose of reality

My heart is heavy.
The outside of my life looks pretty good. The inside is a little rough. And the inside of the inside, where my soul resides, is aching.
My mind is filled with chaotic events, past mistakes, future circumstances. Feelings of anxiety, worry, bitterness, hopelessness- these are not from the Lord.
I can't help but reflect on the past 4 days with tearful eyes. In an instant, my heart is troubled, angry, distraught, anxious, worried, saddened, and thankful, joyful, enlightened, and lighter. How can this dichotomy exist in my heart?
I can boil all these ambiguous sentences into a few key lessons.
1. When I stray away from the Lord, I get myself into trouble. I lose sight of truth. I lose sight of who I am. I lost sight of reality. This is perhaps the hardest lesson. Forget the regrets. Forget the injuries others have given me. I walked away from the Lord without really even realizing it. What the what?!
2. God will always be the rock at rock-bottom. God is always faithful to love me. He can't not love me. He has always been the Constant, the Provider, the Comforter, the Healer.
3. I am fine. I will be ok. I am a sinner and make mistakes. I am like any other human. I am not above another. But I am loved by a holy God who has shown me immense and unfathomable grace and forgiveness.
4. The world is gross and disgusting. We are so destitute and in need of a Savior. People's insides are ugly. Motives are twisted. We are impure. But God can restore and clean and heal. He is the only pillar on which we can rest and regain strength to live in a world that's not our home.

*sigh* Ah, after talking about it, God is restoring my joy and trust in Him. I feel better already.
Cliche as it is, tomorrow is a new day! The Lord's mercies are new every morning. This day is done. God doesn't make me feel guilty. He convicts me of my junk and asks me to move in closer to Him. Done.

Help me, Lord, to stay near to You as you heal my wounded heart.

The Mothership

My mother is the most important woman in my life.
She not only gave birth to me and my sister, but she endured an insane life full of transformation.
She has been crushed and broken, but she has persevered and held firm to her faith in God.
She has seen me at my worst. And despite those times, she is my biggest supporter, my biggest fan, my biggest encourager.
She is beautiful and kind. Generous and selfless. Funny and quirky. Tender-hearted and strong. And a lovely example of a rough-around-the-edges woman after God's heart.
I am so proud of her and so thankful. More than the words that would spill from my brain onto this blog no one reads  :)
She is my "Mama" and my best friend. My sister in Christ and my rock (apart from the Lord, of course), and I love her.
She deserves more than a blog post from me, but I hope this makes you, reader, wanna hug your mom. Or at the very least, give her a call.

my new normal

"He's an awesome Jew." - my boss talking about a coworker
"You have a novio?" - 2 different coworkers
"Don't let the table run you; YOU run the table." - hand-me-down advice
My first tip came from a student and his family.

And this is my life today.

I feel like there is some connection between my first table at this new job being a student and his family...like, a sign from God that I'm heading in the right direction.

It has been a good week so far. Wild, but wild is my new normal  :)

JEHOVAH-JIREH

I've done it. I've quit teaching and just started a serving job at a Chinese restaurant.
I actually did it. I changed the course of my life in one summer. One decision.
Leave the school. That was the first step. Second, get another job. Done.
And even this summer has been speckled with amazing opportunities to act and make money!
I've worked with an autistic theatre program, performed improv for the homeless community, house and dog-sat, and even now am working part-time helping CITA (Christians in Theatre Arts)...Life is busy! And good. God is good.
He has been so faithful and so sweet and so generous to me this summer! He provides all I need...and more! His love and His blessings are beyond words. The peace I've felt in unbelievable. Within this life-altering, transitional period, God has been a rock, a refuge. And I've had only a few emotional breakdowns (and they weren't really even about my "career" or money!...stupid boys)
I've mended a friendship, settled into an apartment, married off 4 amazing friends...it has been a wild ride since March! And I know the adventures will continue.
I can go anywhere, do anything!
Pesky money tethers me to the Greenville area right now, but I'm looking into moving. Austin, TX is my first choice of exploration. Maybe even seeing my dad for a while in Cali. Who knows.
I just know that right now- this night, tomorrow, perhaps even through December- I have a plan. But I'm trusting the Lord to direct my steps each day, each hour, each minute.
"Oh praise the One who paid my debt and raised this life up from the dead!"

Love

Love is tricky. It seems so simple. Love. Just love people. Be nice. Be patient and kind. Forgive. Put others first. The list of the attributes of love in 1st Corinthians is a lengthy one, but it's true. But I find loving to be difficult at times.

What if you find yourself loving, and loving hard, and the person you love doesn't love you back. At least, not in the same way or form. How do you handle it? How does a broken and repaired heart learn to heal from yet another puncture?

You may think it's odd that I'm having these thoughts on Thanksgiving. But learning lessons you need to learn don't always happen when you want them to happen. Apparently I still need a lesson in love.

As I was driving around this afternoon just thinking about my recent encounters with love, I realized that I tend to seek love from the wrong sources. I'm an emotional person, a feeler, a hyper-sensitive human even. My heart has been shattered and healed, ripped and mended, smashed and gently woven back into something beautiful. My tender feelings can get me in trouble, causing my heart even more trauma. But I love. I continue loving. And in the past couple years, I've loved hard. I loved the right way and the wrong way. And sometimes, very recently in my life, the person you love and want love from doesn't return it. I'm learning that when that happens, I tend to shut down. I'm bitter and angry, sad and frustrated, and I'm usually crying.

Why? What's the deal? Is it me? Am I doing something wrong? Why won't they just love me? Am I loving the wrong people? Perhaps.

BUT...I'm learning that instead of building up walls, guarding my heart so tightly that no one can get in, putting up barriers of expectations and unreachable standards and hate and a jaded attitude...instead of going to that place, I should continue to love. I should continue to hope for love in return. I am worth it. And I have a lot of love to give. Heartache hasn't killed me yet. Brokenness makes me stronger.

My biggest strength and positivity in all this: God.
He is always loving. He loves with a jealous passion for me. He loves me faithfully. He IS love.
I have to keep my eyes and my heart and my mind focused on Him if I ever want to love with purity. With a love that doesn't need anything in return, but glorifies the Lord regardless of my emotional circumstances.
Despite my disappointments, I can be content in the love that IS given to me in the smallest moments. I will choose to revel in the little breaths of life that bring me joy. A hug from a student, a child running up to me and kissing my cheek, my nephew jumping into my lap, a gentle kiss on my forehead, a word of encouragement, a look of understanding. These tiny moments of love carry me forward and give me hope that God still loves me. Even if I don't feel the kind of love I want to feel from who I want to feel it. (whew, that was a mouthful of a sentence!)

Loving is difficult. But when it's lived out through Christ, it's not so tricky.

lessons in teaching

The time is here- my 3rd semester of teaching is coming to a close!
It has been a wild ride to say the least. I never thought I'd teach formally, for one. And to be honest, I didn't think I'd still be in Greenville if you had asked me a few years ago. But God has set me on a path that is changing me little by little.

Things I am learning:

Students need structure and discipline. I need structure and discipline.
Patience.
God wants me to listen to Him, be quiet when He talks, and obey what He says.
I am smart.
Be flexible.
Be ready to give an answer for your faith.
This generation is different from mine.
Patience.
God provides.
I am lazy.
I am blessed.
Kids need someone to listen to them.

I hope if you're a teacher that you have a glorious and restful Christmas break! :-)